Six Quick Things on Bereavement

I was asked recently to speak at an event at the University of Sussex entitled Tackling the Taboo: Discussing Death and Loss in the Classroom.

It was a very powerful event with an audience of educators, charities, health and social care professionals and more (and a big thank you to Emeritus Professor Alka Townend for organising it and inviting me to speak).

With death and bereavement an inevitable part of school life, here are six quick takeaways that every school should know about.

1. Be prepared.

A proactive approach is in everyone’s interests. Have a bereavement policy. Have a procedure. Make sure everyone knows about it and how to access it. Update it at least yearly. (How will you support a child who has lost a relative through the new assisted dying laws, for example?)

2. It’s everyone’s responsibility.

Being ready does not mean you only have someone specially trained who the grieving child is sent to. It doesn’t mean only having a special room in which they can do their grieving. It means everyone is aware of what is happening, how to cope, what might happen and what might not happen.

3. ‘Just say something!’

You don’t know what to say or do but that doesn’t give you the right to say or do nothing. Talk to the child. Talk to the other family members. Talk to others in the school about the situation. And mention the name of the person who has died. Without that, they die a little more each day.

4. Tell it how it is

Your grandma hasn’t ‘gone to sleep’. Your father is not a ‘star in heaven’. You might believe your relative is in ‘a better place’ but avoiding the d-word with euphemisms stores up trouble down the line. (The girl who refused to go to sleep in case what happened to grandma happened to her. They boy whose father was a star who then had to attend lessons on the solar system…)

5. Better out than in!

The research shows how important it is for a child to be able to talk. To open up about how they feel about their loved one who has died, about their life before, about how things are now, about their fears and concerns for the future. About whatever is in their head. Somewhere to talk and someone to talk to need to be established early on.

6. It’s important to talk about death and dying with all children and young people

With ‘bereavement’ to be part of new RSE curriculum in England next year, now is the time to start preparing with the appropriate resources. For example, there are many picture books written to help children (and older ones) discuss death.

The Thunks on Death we prepared with bereavement charity Winston’s Wish are great for starting conversations about life, death, love and loss too.

I ended my presentation with a quote from Independent Thinking on Loss, the book I and my three children put together following their death of their mother when they were young.

It is written by my youngest, Phoebe, and says it all perfectly.

“Respond at all times with love and support. Notice when we are there. Notice when we are not there. Offer to sit with us. Maybe listen to a song that is just too hard for us to hear alone. Offer us a cuppa. Take the time to learn about our pain, even if it just means listening. Take time to ask about our lost loved one. And, most importantly, allow us to find a reason for our pain and choose happiness again.”

Every school will benefit from having a copy of the book ready for when the inevitable happens.

Get your copy with 20% off and free UK p+p when you use the code 'ITL20' at checkout.

All royalties go to Winston’s Wish.

PS I received this message via LinkedIn a few hours after the event.

It says it all really!

“I remember years ago you sharing your experience of people’s responses to your loss with a room full of school leaders in London. You taught us that avoiding someone who is bereaved was ‘moral cowardice’. What you said changed everything. Thank you 🙏🏼.”

Thank you! [ITL]