"Are we at war, Miss?”

When the war kicked off in Ukraine, we asked Associate and former SAS major (who saw service in Afghanistan,) Floyd Woodrow MBE DCM for his thoughts on talking to children and young people about such conflicts.

You can read what he suggested here.

Now, with two old white men taking us closer to WWIII than is necessary, Floyd shared the following story with us along with his recommendations about how to answer the simple question, 'Are we are at war, Miss?'.

This morning a teacher told me the first thing a child said as they walked into the classroom was:

“Are we at war, Miss?”

Children can be unbelievably resilient in crisis. I never underestimate their ability to think in profound and deep ways — especially when the adults around them are calm, empathetic, and sensitive.

But they will look for guidance from us.

And that’s why role modelling is essential. After all, children borrow our nervous system before they borrow our words.

Questions not Speeches

That’s also why the best global guidance is remarkably consistent – listen first, be honest, protect routine, and give children practical ways to deal with the situation.

Start with questions (not speeches).

The best way is to ask questions that elicit what they actually think is happening and how they feel about it:

“What have you heard?”

“What do you think is happening?”

“How does it make you feel?”

“What’s your biggest worry right now?”

This is exactly where the conversation becomes protective, as you meet the child where they are, not where the headlines are. 

You Are Safe at Home

If I were answering my own children, I’d say something like:

“That’s an important question. No — we are not at war here.

There is a war happening in another country, and people are talking about it a lot.

You are safe at home.

Tell me what you’ve heard that made you ask."

And I’d add:

“My job is to help you understand things — and to help you feel safe.”

Then I’d explore how they think it connects to what they’ve already learnt about war, listen carefully, and only then offer my perspective.

Routine and Connection

If I were in the Middle East (or any area directly affected), I’d add one more layer by reassuring them that we will be honest about the situation.

And I will return, again and again, to routine and connection. 

From a practical safety point of view, I would cover the following:

Stay close to a trusted adult/agreed safe person.

Know the family plan (where to meet, who to call, what to do if separated).

If you see unfamiliar objects (metal, wires, packages, shells), don’t touch — tell an adult.

The worst case scenarios covered, I would then come back to what stabilises children fastest:

Keep tiny routines (bedtime, wash, mealtimes, etc...)

Protect play, drawing, stories, movement.

Stay connected to friends, siblings, grandparents — even with short messages.

Honesty

If a child is genuinely worried, I'd say:

“Tell me. We’ll handle it together.”

What I would never do is promise, “Everything will be fine”.

Instead, I'd say:

“I’ll be honest with you — and we’ll face it together.”

I'd also teach the child simple, effective and repeatable strategies for self regulation, starting with proven calming techniques.

Breathing: In for four; out for six; repeat five times.

Grounding: Name five things you can see; four things you can feel; Three things you can hear... 

Muscle reset: Squeeze your fists tightly for five seconds then release slowly over ten seconds. Repeat.

Positive self talk also helps:

"We are safe right now.”

“One step.”

“Breathe and think.”

“I can cope.”

“I’m not alone.”

“We have a plan.”

If a child becomes withdrawn and clearly not themselves, or if the symptoms persist, then seek medical/psychosocial support as soon as it’s available. Early support matters in such cases.

But for the majority of children (and adults) the above will definitely help.

Let me know how you get on – and here's to peace returning soon. [ITL]

Floyd Woodrow MBE DCM